They must be taught what is appropriate and not nagged for being inappropriate. Children are meant to bend and break the rules. This is exactly how they learn to test their parent’s threshold and learn what behavior is acceptable at home and outside. Our job as parents is to teach them what is acceptable by being consistent in our behavior and terms and understanding why they broke them.
We need to adapt, accept, change, and teach them the appropriate behavior in their childhood that will stick with them when they grow up too. A toddler will have toddler tantrums, and a five-year-old will roll their eyes sometimes when you talk. They might give your conversation a deaf ear and try eating those chocolates without asking you which was unlike them when they were three years old. Most of it is healthy child behavior! There are a few things we must understand when it comes to a child’s behavior.
- 1. The cause of the behavior - This is extremely important. Children misbehave a lot of times because of being hungry or overtired. Needless to say, it always happens with mine. So when there is some screaming, yelling, or some unacceptable behavior, I first look at my watch to see if it's their time to sleep or eat. In those circumstances, I choose to ignore the behavior and offer food or put them to sleep and they are fine on their own.
- 2. The next trigger is when your child is unable to express themselves. Some believe that as children grow older they are able to express themselves well and the tantrums concerning not being able to express, disappears. This is however, not always true. Well yes, most children can express themselves better as they grow up but sometimes expressing emotions is not easy even for the older ones. The fear of being rejected because of being emotional, the fear of not being heard, or laughed at might make them chose to be quite. Sometimes they can’t find the right word and sometimes they don't understand what was the trigger and are unable to explain.
The best thing would be to kneel down to your child’s height, be calm, and ask them, what’s wrong? Sometimes giving a tight hug or a kiss and asking melts them down, and they decide to talk.
Acceptable and unacceptable behavior depends on family to family, and one should first know what is acceptable. If things don’t work sitting and talking at the moment of an outburst, let them be and give them time and talk about it. Talk about the consequences if it happens again and tell them about how you felt and what they should have done rather than telling them – don’t do it ever again. I hate it. Tell them what you expect. React in the way you told them you would and be consistent.
- 3. Don’t highlight the bad behaviors all the time. Give importance to good behavior, too, and appreciate them when they are good. Being recognized makes them do more good and look for that appreciation, for those hugs and kisses.
- 4. Use a time out method. This has always worked for me. When there is misbehavior, I tell the boys, "I am going to count till 5 and I want you to stop or face the consequences." Count slow and make sure you do what you said.
- 5. What are the consequences? They are not yelling, screaming or hitting your child. Consequences are like - you won’t get to play with this toy till the weekend, your weekly allowance is cancelled, you don’t get to eat chocolates today while all of us do. Little things that are important to them but not as much to you.
- 6. Your child could be behaving in a certain way because they want attention. Attention, because mom and dad are working and don’t give as much time, attention because of a change in the nanny or baby sitter, attention because of the birth of a sibling or a mishap in the house they don't feel much for. Make sure you are giving your child enough attention.
- 7. Please talk about yours and their feelings. - It is essential to talk about feelings with your toddler and even about their opinion. Words like upset, sad, angry, hurt, happy, excited, lonely are very important to understand. The more your toddler understands how you feel when they react in a certain way and how they feel when something happens, helps them comprehend emotions and behave better. They try to self correct themselves. Read about ‘feeling books’ and empathize with your child when needed. For instance, when older sibling does not want to share his favorite toy, instead of telling the sibling to give away, make the younger one understand that it's his brother's favorite and he must learn to share. 'Turn by Turn' always worked for me and when they don’t share I always say Turn by Turn and it's like a magic spell and always works.
- 8. Show cause to action. If your child is extremely hungry and has a meltdown while the food is hot, show them the steam coming out and keep their palms above the food to feel the heat. They will learn to wait. Most meltdowns happen at the dining table.
- 9. Teach them life skills early. My two year old can wear his shoes and socks. How did I achieve this, and why? Learning to be independent gives them confidence, lessens their irritability if no one is helping, and in turn promotes good behavior.
- 10. Your children look at you, and they learn. They learn to react from you to any given situation. You get angry at the help for a little thing; they get angry as well. You raise your voice on one of the siblings for not sharing, they think it's okay not to share with the sibling and they react in the same way. When you see bad behavior, try thinking where is it rooted. Was it you? Did they react that way because you or people at home do it? Was it because they cannot express or do they need attention?
Terrible twos are also a part of a child’s behavior and you can visit our website to have a look at our blog on terrible twos and how to overcome it.
Signing off! There’s more on this really big topic of child behavior in our next blog.
