My firstborn never bit, nor screamed nor had a terrible two. But I saw a different side of him when I delivered my second born. The first 3-4 months were fine as the baby would sleep and he would get all my time. But when the sleep time started decreasing and playtime started increasing for the little brother, the older sibling became someone he wasn’t. The initial days were a struggle for me and the struggle kept on increasing till the little one turned one. Now I had a troubled, angry, agitated, irritated and cranky older one. With lots of upsetting moments, yelling and threats, I almost gave up and then I sat down to think. What happened to the angel I had and what’s wrong with him. And this self-reflection changed the situations quite significantly.
Once I was in the shower, happy when I heard a loud shriek cry. The older one snatched and threw something at the younger one and he was bleeding from the side of his lip. Now I had not one but two crying children, one who was physically hurt and the other who was emotionally hurt. While logic says you must take the physically hurt child in your lap first, and then console the other but most of the times the situation just agitates you further and you are consoling the hurt child while looking at your older one with big glaring eyes. It makes the older one feel as if the younger one ends up getting all the attention.
How to deal with this?
- You could take care of the hurt child first and not stare at the other one. Later, sit with the older one, explaining everything to him with affection.
- Never compare! In fact, talking in a way that the older one feels important really helps. I would tell my younger one — Look at your brother, can you paint like him? He’s so good. This was when the younger one was 14-15 months old when I was sure he didn’t understand any of it. While he didn’t understand this, the older one definitely started acting more responsibly. Comparing induces fear, competition, and hatred. This turns into aggression and unnecessary sibling rivalry.
- Give equal if not more cuddles. It’s natural for us to give a few more kisses and cuddles to a baby as they are a lot cuter when they’re smaller! But please remember your older one is always looking. Try giving as many cuddles if not more to the older one too to keep him happy, feeling loved. The hatred which is build-up for attention wears out and aggression goes down too.
- Reward them for good behaviour towards their kids. They feel like they have done something commendable in the eyes of their parents or caregivers and strive to do more of it.
- Don’t nag if there’s no sharing of new toys happening. Make them understand that it’s important to distract the younger ones. So sometimes instead of snatching they could distract and give another toy. And no matter how young you feel they are, they do understand this and are good at it.
- Give attention to the silly cries in periods of emotional turmoil and unnecessary aggressive behaviour. All of us go through this and a little pat or a hug really helps. Do the same with them and they would feel better, act better and don’t worry it’s not going to become a habit.
Hope this makes you feel better and makes your child less aggressive and more loving towards their sibling.
