Clinginess is a ubiquitous behavior in toddlers, preschoolers, and kindergarteners. Does your child cry as soon as you tell them you are going out for dinner without them? Do they hold onto your leg or hand at social gatherings and birthday parties at refuse to leave your side? Do they sleep only when you make them sleep? Do they get up in the middle of the night looking for you? This is my story with both my kids at some point or the other. Why did I choose to write about clinginess? My younger one doesn’t even let me bathe peacefully, and I am sure all the mothers can relate to this, and this has happened to you at some point in your motherhood journey.
Why are some children so clingy?
Some children have healthy emotional needs than the others, and that is why they have higher amounts of separation anxiety (being away from the parent) when they are not with their parents. So, when they see their parents, they cling on to them for emotional needs. The anxiety can cause them to be clingy, cranky, and even have a total meltdown.
Sometimes, it’s not separation anxiety but the child’s choice to be with parents. They are not scared of being separated, but they want the parent to stay, and clinginess is their way of expressing that they wish to you, they want to be with you.
The clinginess can start when your child is a baby. It goes on to when they do not see you in the room when they are a bit older. There are many reasons why your child could be clingy. They could be clingy if they are teething, or are unwell. They could cling to you if they are learning to walk, crawl, or achieve a new milestone. The clinginess and the effects of it become pronounced when they start preschool or playschool. It can also seem common when the primary caregiver/parent is away for work or when the children are in a crowd and don’t want to address people because of being an introvert. This is entirely reasonable, and the children should not be pushed too much if they feel like this. Sometimes they cling because of the birth of their sibling, rise of insecurities, or parents getting separated or divorced.
How do you deal with children when they are clingy?
1 . Acknowledge their feelings
When your child exhibits behaviors of being clingy/cranky and seems to have separation anxiety, acknowledge them. Don’t try to sneak out of the house if you know your child will be grumpy when you do so. This won’t help but worsen the situation. Let’s assume you always go out for dinner when your child is done with their dinner and is playing or preparing for bedtime. They will feel anxious around the same time and feel unsafe if you suddenly vanish. And this, in turn, is going to cause anxiety in them even when you are around, and the anxiety that you were trying to handle and address is only going to get worse because they now feel unsafe and feel you might leave them and go. They might not even want to play well because of being anxious. Tell them that you have to go out and then step out.
Talk to them about their feelings, after analyzing what triggers them. Explain to them why it’s okay to feel that way and reassure them that you are always there for them.
2. Predictability and a routine structure
Have a systematic routine structure for your child. Younger children who don’t know what to expect next and get anxious can be taught about when you will be available for them this way. If your child knows that every day after bath time they won’t see you till lunchtime and then see you again the whole day, they accept it as an everyday routine and know what to expect the next day too. This way, they are less clingy as they know you are going to be around.
3. Praise them
Don’t worry about spoiling them young with praises, claps, and applauds. They will not get used to this every time they do something; instead, this is going to boost their confidence and make them think that they can do things independently without your help too. It will eventually make them look for you lesser than they actually would making them less clingy.
4. Boredom
Address their boredom. A bored child doesn’t know whom to look for other than the parents or primary caregiver. Schedule their playtimes effectively. Involve the younger ones in play (sensory, pretend play, or structured play). If they have siblings, engage them in a similar play. See what interests both so that when they are cranky, the sibling can easily take away the boredom and play with them.
5. Social gatherings/birthday parties
`It is entirely okay for your child not to like too many people, and feel unsafe and insecure about getting lost or away from you. Don’t get irritated. Address their issue, talk to them, and tell them that you will be around. My older one still gets super overwhelmed at five years of age when he is with me at a party and doesn’t leave my side, does not jump on the bouncy until almost the end of the parties when he starts getting used to the place and starts feeling a bit more secure. Don’t hush, don’t snap, accept it. It is entirely reasonable for a child to behave this way, and they will soon outgrow some of their emotional needs and be independent. All children become emotionally secure as per their time. Some take longer while some don’t.
6. Understand their emotional needs
Sometimes all your child needs are lots of hugs and cuddles to be non-clingy. Overdoing it, is okay. When my five-year-old has meltdowns, all that helps is a big tight hug, and he’s fine. My 2-year-old gets unwanted hugs where he tells me to stop, and then he’s okay and walks away to play. Sometimes they even fall on purpose to get those kisses and hugs. Understanding their emotional needs is important, and cuddling is never bad for anyone, is it?
Being clingy is a normal part of the growth process, and even we have been through it. Understanding your child with all your love, giving them the time they need, taking them out of such situations, and having a predictable routine is essential. Everyone outgrows clingy behavior at some point in their childhood. It is crucial to address these behaviors well and address them the right way to keep you sane as a parent.
